Saturday Night Live Did Sydney Sweeney Dirty

Watching Sydney Sweeney host Saturday Night Live was a bit like watching Barbie before her existential crisis. The Euphoria star was cheerful surface company. Her boobs were on full display and referred to often; her hair fell in mermaid waves. I don’t actually know if she’s funny because all the show had her to do was be young and beautiful.

Her monologue started off okay. “You might have seen me in Euphoria or Anyone But You,” Sweeney said, an eager smile on her face. “You definitely didn’t see me in Madame Web.” From then on it was a rushed stream of one-pitch jokes about how she's been packaged. “People only see me as the girl on TV who screams, cries, and has sex.” Or about how she keeps her Jessica Rabbit figure: “I run, avoid sugar, and do Ozempic.” Or, when she showed a PowerPoint presentation explaining how she planned to make it in Hollywood. Her Plan B: “Show boobs.” Jesus, writers, help a girl out.

At one point, Sweeney tried to debunk the rumor, planted cannily around the time of Anyone But You’s production and release, that she and her co-star Glen Powell were romantically involved. When she asked the camera to pan to her real-life fiancé, it landed on the actor himself instead, mugging in the audience.

The best sketch of the night starred—brace yourself, Shane Gillis fans—Bowen Yang. It began with Sweeney confessing to Ego Nwodim and Heidi Gardner that she had an itsy-bitsy crush on a cast member. “Who?” asked Nwodim. “Lenny Pickett.” (Best laugh of the night, and that’s no disrespect to the legendary saxophonist and musical director.)

But no: Sweeney was sweet on Yang, her type being “gay-presenting Asian podcasters,” whom the women reveal to her is actually straight as an arrow. (“Boygenius?” he sneered to his entourage. “I was like, y’all are giving Girl Dumbass.”) “Bowen just plays gay on the show because it’s a shortcut to laughs,” explained Gardner. We watched Yang strut around with chin thrust high, popping Marcello Hernandez in the nuts. “Hey baby girl, where’s my smile?” he demanded of Sweeney. He made out with Gina Gershon and Sweeney, before jetting off to Paris with two dames in leopard-print furs.